Home > The Freak inside > You don’t know me.

You don’t know me.

It seems nobody does.  Nobody knows what lurks inside of me.

While I was in Iraq I saw a terrible side of myself that really pretty much scared the shit out of me.  I was fortunate enough, though to find an outlet where I could lose myself and use all of the catalysts that created that person inside of me to push myself into a new being.  I’ve found that it hasn’t gone away.  No matter what I do there doesn’t seem to be any relief to subside the thoughts and feelings that remind me of who I am every day.  The iron is calling.


Using the cold steel and iron of the gym as a conduit for a release keeps that unkown shadow from reappearing.  Externally to other people there might not appear to be a change.  But inside, there’s a vicious battle going on between my normal self and the unkown person who is fighting to get out.  It’s not like I have split personalities or anything but when I find myself in a certain situation I can’t help but feel the surge of pure, dark, unabashed rage.  And nobody knows it.

Going to the gym doesn’t put it away and subdue it.  On the contrary, it flourishes and flows through my veins and pushes the cold, heavy iron.  It’s symbolic.  All of you other weaklings might think that it’s just a phase or a hobby but once again, you don’t know me.  It’s turning into an obsession to become a chisled freak of nature.  Because that’s what I want.  That’s what that shadow inside of me wants.

To see the posers in the gym joking and laughing around pushes it more.  To feel the excitement of talking about it to someone who doesn’t understand and then hearing them blowing it off or looking at me like I’m crazy pushes it more.  To hear someone ask, “Why?” pushes it more.  I can’t answer that.  I know why inside of me but you wouldn’t understand.  You don’t know me.

So for those who don’t know me, continue to keep asking yourself why I do this.  Keep asking yourself why I want to devote my life and my money to something that might seem silly to you.  Because nothing is going to change.  I’ll still have a burning rage inside of me and you will still question me.  Because you don’t know me.

Categories: The Freak inside
  1. Mrs G
    September 8, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    You’re freaking me out. For real.

  2. spiceymchaggis
    September 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    There’s nothing to be worried about.

  3. October 21, 2009 at 5:43 am

    It will never go away once it comes brother. All you can do is try to control it. I’ve been retired for 15 years. I still go for my gun if there’s a sudden noise. Use your edge, don’t try to wipe it out, polish it off and use it.

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